Once Upon A Typo
by Kikasetai
Summary: Featuring FF's across years, this fairy-tale parody takes on the mulititude of mishaps and poor grammar found in almost all games and showcases them.
1. Prologue: Mr Tranlsator and Editorman

Once Upon A Typo  
  
There once was a land of happiness, full of correct spelling and grammar. All the magical happy spell-checking elves and thesaurus dwarves skipped through this merry land, to keep the peace. All was perfect.  
  
Until one day. Oh, that one fateful day. Oh, the horror of that one horribly fateful, horrible day.  
  
That one horribly horrible day, a new person stepped into the land. We'll call him 'Mr. Translator.' Mr. Translator helped people, well, translate words in their wonderous word-y forms into wonderous word-y forms in another language. However, Mr. Translator was not perfect. But lo! Who was to come behind him but his editor, Editorman! These two made the magical land of perfect written work all the better, for now it was multi-lingual!  
  
Until one day. Oh, that one fateful day. Oh the horror of that one horribly fateful, horrible day.  
  
Mr. Translator and Editorman started helping a large company. Square, we shall call it. Now Square was made up of Japanese-speaking people, so Mr. Translator and Editorman had their work cut out for them. All was well, until the typo. That dreadful typo. But it wasn't just any typo. Oh, no. It goes beyond a typo. This was utter madness. It started the craze known to many as 'Engrish,' or sometimes 'Japanlish.' The simple line that said 'All your base are belong to us.'   
  
How could this dynamic duo of gramatical correctness go so wrong?  
  
That wasn't the end. We bring ourselves to the point. The popular series Final Fantasy, which is what our story is about, was not spared from this cruel fate.  
  
Here, we will enter the world of Final Fantasy spanning ages, and mercilessly poke fun at it's mistakes. 


	2. Final Fantasy 1: It Begins

Once Upon a Typo  
  
Key:  
  
  
  
***** - scene switch  
  
/.../ - italics  
  
*****  
  
"The Single Most Important Statement of all Time"  
  
*****  
  
In the merry land of Corneria, a young boy began a journey that wasn't so merry. In fact, we could go so far as to say it was sad! For he was on a quest to do... something. We aren't quite sure yet! But for now, he's rescuing the princess. So that means we do know. Oh, the confusion! You wacky boy!  
  
Moving on with our tale, Boy (for his parents neglected to name him, we shall call him thus) was walking, no, skipping, along a path. His was a poor town, and many people were forced into the agriculture line of work. Most of these had some useful bits of information, for example... well, we have no examples. But rest assured, they were helpful.  
  
Except for one.  
  
Everyone thought he was a nice man. Except for one. Boy did not think so, as he had experience with his stupidity. He walked up to the farmer-man (for his parents also neglected to name him - this land is not one for names) to ask for directions. Anyone should know this, not including Boy. He's special.  
  
"Prithee, wouldst thou giveth me directions to the nearest city?"  
  
Their speech was anything but old fashioned; more on the fact that Boy is a special young man. He needs our tender loving care. And some help. That can be taken many ways, dear reader. But I digress. Farmer-man replied with:  
  
"I am a farmer."  
  
And everyone in the general area facefaulted.  
  
"But good sir, that does not tell me a thing but what I know! Thee must know the way to thy town... Wouldst thou tell me? I must arrive before dusk."  
  
"I am a farmer."  
  
Alas, it appeared Farmer-man could not speak more than those chosen words. Boy walked in a random direction, grumbling to his white-mage friend how useless the whole trade was.  
  
*****  
  
"It's Usually One or the Other - You're Special!"  
  
*****  
  
We continue our journey with Boy - if you have forgotten, his parents did not see fit to give him a name - on his mystic quest for something. Upon entering a forest, our hero found sages. Beaten and weak, Boy hoped these wise men would give him not only information to broaden that oh-so-special mind of his, but a place to find respite.  
  
He approached one sage, not thinking to find anything more than a simple sage. But oh! He is anything but!  
  
"Excuse me, what is your name?"  
  
Being raised without a name, you'd think Boy was angry at those lucky enough to have creative parents. But no, he checks to see that everyone, except Farmer-man, recieve a name. From here on, we shall call his journey, 'The quest of personal words associated with people to distinguish one from the other, always proper nouns, otherwise known as a name.' Or 'tQoPWAwPtDoftOAPNOKaaN,' for short. For sake of space, we shall refer to it only as Dofto.  
  
"We, the Twelve Sages, were lead here by the stars and prophecy." Boy blinked in confusion.  
  
"Stars /and/ prophecy? You, the Twelve Sages, must be bless'd! None have the honor of such honor." The sage nodded.  
  
"We are important men. Of stars and prophecy."  
  
"Yes. May I take a rest in your camp?"  
  
"Stars and prophecy lead us here."  
  
"I know this. Prithee, let me inside."  
  
"We are the Twelve Sages."  
  
Boy sighed in frustration - were all like this? Woe betide the weary traveller amidst morons.  
  
*****  
  
"So That's What They're Called!"  
  
*****  
  
For now, we take a short break from the hectic struggle of Boy versus imbeciles to join his comrades-in-arms. One such friend is the resident black-mage. We will call her Bob.  
  
Bob glided through town, searching for any information that could lead her to their next mystery destination on the Dofto quest. Knowing what Boy has gone through - much more than we let on, I assure you - she did not expect much from the citygoers. Shrugging, she decided to pick a person at random. She set her sights on a woman tending to a... fence. That did not bode well, but it was worth trying.  
  
"Miss, could you-"  
  
"You have legs!"  
  
"What!?" Bob exclaimed in mock-shock. "I do? Where?"  
  
"You have legs!"  
  
"I was always wondering what those limbs were called. I thank you for your assistance."  
  
"You have legs!"  
  
Bob started to comment, but figured it would just provoke futher obvious observations. She bit her tongue, and attempted to find a more sane person.  
  
*****  
  
And that concludes our chapter on 'Final Fantasy.' Stay tuned for more zany hijinks!  
  
*****  
  
*****  
  
Now we're having some fun. Let's all have such a grammar now.  
  
Sorry it's so short. I could only find so many good captures... other games will be longer, yes. FF2 has lots, including the infamous, "You spoony bard!" 


	3. Various: A Short Commercial Break

We take a break from our quest of strange language to bring you this amusing interlude: "Zawacky Quote Wars!"  
  
*****  
  
Episode 1: 'Evil Crossdresser or Just Confused?' or 'Something About This Just Seems So Sarcastic'  
  
*****  
  
Cloud: Hi! I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear.  
  
Kuja: What do you want to know? Want to be a winner is you?  
  
Cloud: GRRR-BAH!  
  
Kuja: No? Airhead, huh? Well, never mind.  
  
Tifa: Then shut your pie hole!  
  
Terra: What you say? No rubbish or Terra, head go boom!  
  
Garnet: Who is this fiend?  
  
Tellah: Keep your guard up! This is no ordinary woman! Meet Kuja, the magician!  
  
Kuja: What the... ?! Hey, I'm a guy!   
  
Edgar: But its exterior is that of a female...  
  
Kuja: Male... Female... What's the difference? Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!   
  
Delilah: Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man... Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of sashimi? Never assume what you see and feel is real!  
  
Sephiroth: Ever since I started growing out my hair I've been getting a lot of attention... from guys! Yikes!  
  
Nellie: Get a life!!  
  
Cloud: Ouch! A rat bit me!  
  
Blank: I'd rather have my gums scraped than have to fight these fiends.  
  
Nellie: How did you get past my... cadaver pals?  
  
Gilgamesh: Siht daer naht od ot retteb gnihton evah I.  
  
Hilda: Everyone was so flipped out. You've got to blame it on something.  
  
Rinoa: It was like I was there, but not really.  
  
Radio: Clawglip  
  
Zidane: Huh... Radio... What's going on with that radio?  
  
Radio: Well she says the town is being devoured by darkness...  
  
Garnet: Stand gaurd all.  
  
Terra: Sucking Diek! Bzz... Bzz... I'm hungry but I don't like cheese.  
  
Cloud: Of course! Gelagelagela!  
  
Vincent: Chief's been acting odd lately, but he can still tell you about the Robot.  
  
Cid: Goobididibily.  
  
Gilgamesh: We will prepare a wedding while Edgar's gone.  
  
Edgar: WAAAAAH!  
  
Aeris: Uwaaaa!  
  
*****  
  
Episode 2: 'Mmmm... Oil' or 'Gay Weddings... or is it Spankings?'  
  
*****  
  
Nellie: Well, after a man an' a woman are blessed in holy union, they leave oan holy pilgrimage tae the Sanctuary.  
  
Garland: Speerits o' the moontain, Speerits o' the wood...  
  
Edgar: Uh... Now, how did I get into this?  
  
Kuja: I'm such a stud!  
  
Edgar: The Crystal Ball has exploded!  
  
Rinoa: That can be taken as a bad omen, but I wouldn't worry about it. You'll be OK, really!  
  
Aeris: Ever since I returned from the dead, I've felt weak and faint. I wonder if that's normal.  
  
Squall: Die in obscurity!  
  
Cloud: Why is this hole here?  
  
Sephiroth: Night is upon us. How strange.  
  
Delilah: I have a strange craving for nuts, but they don't grow on palm trees.   
  
Sabin: Have some Oil! It's sweet and tastey!  
  
Cloud: Whoompapa... Whoompapa...  
  
Kuja: Why does the world.. and the people resist destruction? Why don't they want to die?  
  
Garnet: Our queen should be put on show here.. she's so fat it's like she's not human.  
  
Gilgamesh: It makes me want to go to the bathroom.  
  
Kuja: This monkey is going to give you a spanking, Shupkay!!  
  
Zidane: Eek eek.  
  
Edgar: My name is Edgar and this is a toilet.  
  
Aeris: Will you jump in the toilet?  
  
Terra: No reply... it's just a scarecrow.  
  
Cloud: Don't kick, punch, bite or hurt the trees!  
  
Kefka: A baby frog is not a frog, not a frog It's a tadpole   
  
Tadpole, tadpole   
  
Baby frog is called a ta-d-pole!  
  
Edgar: Bad end. This is not a true ending! Try again with your friend.  
  
*****  
  
Episode 3: 'Best Insults of All Time' or 'Kefka, the Evil King of the Poachers'  
  
*****  
  
Tellah: I'll find you Lumpy, you can't hide from me.  
  
Garland: Thanks for the pencil, chump.  
  
Squall: Endless in victory of a yourself.  
  
Kefka: You sound like characters in a self-help booklet!  
  
Cloud: Suck a sage.  
  
Garland: WRITHE IN PAIN  
  
Tifa: Dweebinheimer.  
  
Tellah: You spoony bard!  
  
Aeris: ENOUGH FOLLIES!! STOP EVIL DENMARK  
  
Terra: Wow, that ashtray is so fancy you could eat caviar out of it!  
  
Gilgamesh: You smell like bacon and oppression, man!  
  
Cid: SHOWBUISNESS coffee!  
  
Kuja: Hmm... fruity, but voluminous.  
  
Edgar: Orgasmic Castle!  
  
Vincent: It's amazing how a little touch of human remains can touch up a place.  
  
Eiko: Screaaaaam!  
  
Kefka: Tempting as it is, I just can't bring myself to jump in the giant, unclean kitty litter.  
  
Rinoa: LIKE EAGLES... ON... POGO STICKS!!!  
  
Squall: ... Stop using the contained-detonation to crack open walnuts. Thank you.  
  
Terra: Strange, but symbolically compelling...  
  
Zidane: Yeah, well you don't have a tongue but that doesn't seem to shut you up, now does it?  
  
Sabin: YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T WORK HERE!  
  
Tifa: You're going to get it ! Sucker !  
  
Cloud: Oh no. But please, spare my life.  
  
Kuja: You won't get away this.  
  
Tellah: After many bloody battles, I have finally defeated the evil king of the poachers.  
  
Kefka: Oh no ! He got me !  
  
Garland: Get lost, wisp.  
  
Delilah: You are the greatest player!  
  
Cid: To remove the seal for Corridor No.2, touch everywhere.  
  
Nellie: Whoo hoo! I won! Simply deee-licious!  
  
Barret: That guy's maniac!  
  
*****  
  
Episode 4: 'Tellah is Really Einstein Reborn' or 'Maybe it's Actually Kefka, Who Would Then be 'Kefka the Eisteinian Evil King of Poachers Slash Manical Demi-God"'  
  
*****  
  
Aeris: Oh gaaaaaaaaaawd!  
  
Tellah: I am Tellah. Martyr of Might.  
  
Cloud: Good job! The country's in good hands with you!  
  
Tellah: Did you know there for consonants and eight vowels in mimblewimble?  
  
Kefka: Here's my plan. Find an Edgar, hurt its feelings, make it cry, and collect the mucus.  
  
Terra: You did nearly as well as I did on your first try, Kuja. Do that well again and you'll get something sweet.  
  
Kuja: Have a care where you're pointin' that thing! This is my favorite coat.  
  
Tifa: Man has to be active. Come on. Hee-hee-hee.  
  
Rinoa: Howdy, young boys! How's it goin'? Hic...  
  
Nellie: Its name is... You do it.  
  
Sabin: I hate rain. It's depressing. I like it when it pours.  
  
Terra: Get undressed here.  
  
Eiko: I think the precious weather-cock blew away.  
  
Cid: There is a baby bird in her bosom.  
  
Tellah: This is getting hairy... heh.  
  
Garland: I tripped over one of the rocks. I thought I'd fly to the sky.  
  
Edgar: Two of my children hath starved to death, kind wayfarer. Canst thou see fit to help the other seven?  
  
Vincent: I'm Sailor Sam. Dost thou own a sextant?  
  
Garnet: Yes.  
  
Vincent: Then thy life's purpose is fulfilled. Yo, ho, ho...  
  
*****  
  
*****  
  
Possibly the most screwed up thing I've ever written. 


End file.
